I'm back (in body only) from Miami and Meta is deploying a photorealistic AI clone of Zuck

Meta is deploying a photorealistic AI clone of Zuckerberg to chat with employees, Amazon just spent $12 billion to go to space and out-Elon Elon, and I am freshly back from the most Wicked bachelorette weekend of my life and very much still recovering.

Let's get into it.

Amazon just bought the satellite company that powers Emergency SOS on your iPhone for $11.6 billion

Amazon announced it's acquiring Globalstar (the company behind the satellite technology that lets you text emergency services from your iPhone when you're completely off the grid) for $11.57 billion in cash. This is part of a push to build out its satellite internet business aka Amazon Leo and go head-to-head with Elon Musk's Starlink. For context: Starlink has roughly 10,000 satellites and nine million users; Amazon Leo currently has about 200. So this is a $12 billion attempt to close a VERY large gap. This is also great info to lob at your Elon-obsessed coworker when he (it’s definitely a he) corners you at the water cooler.

13-year-olds are out here with six-figure investment portfolios, I’m overwhelmed

When I was 13 I was singing Wicked songs and painting my face green (okay, still doing that), but for a new wave of Gen Z investors, some as young as 13, they are more interested in the green of financial gains (see what I did there??). Trades by minors on apps like Greenlight are up 77% compared to two years ago, and Schwab just launched a dedicated Teen Investor account for kids (with parental oversight). One 21-year-old at Bentley University is leveraging his $20K-plus portfolio to land job interviews at investment firms; he started at 16 when his dad handed him $1,000 to invest. The bar is rising and I am clapping for them through slightly gritted teeth.

Justin Bieber headlined Coachella over the weekend; fans divided

On Saturday night, Bieber took the Coachella stage for the first time since canceling his entire Justice World Tour in 2022. For some, it was exactly the comeback moment everyone needed: he brought out The Kid LAROI, Tems, and Wizkid as surprise guests, and recreated a viral paparazzi clip mid-set. Others were a bit miffed that he pulled up old YouTube videos of himself singing as a kid and played them to the crowd, which kind of feels like the Coachella equivalent of putting on Miss Rachel instead of parenting your kid? Like, my guy, can you actually perform live? But to his credit, set was legendary (so I hear, wasn’t there), and I’m so glad he’s back.

I'm back from Miami (mostly). My bachelorette was fully, unironically, costumes-and-all Wicked-themed. The trip was magical, unhinged, and deeply meaningful in a way that's hard to describe without either crying or oversharing (so naturally, I did both). I have absolutely been changed for good. I am also operating on approximately four hours of sleep and two days' worth of electrolytes. Recovery is ongoing. Requesting 3-5 business days minimum before anyone sends me anything labeled "quick question."

Wearing all black to mourn the end of my bachelorette party. Considering leaving it all behind and moving to Miami permanently…but the corporate grind calls. But genuinely, please send tips for somehow staying focused during the period of time between bach and wedding, because I am not I repeat NOT able to lock in on work.

The post-trip inbox is its own specific kind of horror, which I am currently facing and absolutely not dealing with. You don't have to white-knuckle your way through it (do as I say, not as I do….)

If you have 300 unread emails that you’ve been ignoring since Friday, sort by sender, not by date. Delete everything that's a newsletter, an automated notification, or a thread that already has a resolution buried at the bottom. You'll cut the pile in half before you've read a single thing.

If you’re scared to look at Slack, search your name (tags) first. If someone needed you, they tagged you. Find those and start there. Everything else can wait until you've handled the actual fires, and tbh if they didn’t tag you, you don’t really have to respond.

Also love a stairmaster or include tread + email response session. Two birds, one stone.

Thanks for reading!